FYI, this post has nothing to do with the title.
Hi everyone,
I know it has been
forever, and you should know that my lack of interest in this blog is
not because of stress or lack of free time (though I am super busy), but
more because of contentment with my life. Since the last time I posted I
haven't been conflicted or confused enough to be compelled to write.
Life update:
I
went on one more date with a dude, and he was really attractive, but
kinda cocky. I went on a couple of dates with a girl as well at the very
beginning of the school year. There was also a casual hook-up thing
happening for a while over the summer that leaked a bit into the school
year. A week into the semester this little romance thing started with
this totally awesome girl that I have now been dating for 2 months. It
happened really smoothly and nicely and I'm really happy with our
relationship. I've also changed my major to environmental engineering
(I'm self-designing, blargh so much paperwork), been elected captain of
the rugby team, and co-adopted a Betta fish. I'm also getting an A in a class for the first time in college - Yay multivariable calculus! Life is pretty baller.
Anyway, the reason I made this blog was because I was
looking for affirmation, for proof that I wasn't the only queer out
there. I am now comfortable with my sexuality. Well, mostly. And I have
an awesome support system of people who love me. I think it has served
its purpose. I'm pretty sure I won't be posting here again anytime soon.
I'm sorry if I'm disappointing anyone. I'm definitely going to keep it
up on the interwebs for all to see, because it might inspire some
young'ns (There is so much potential for queer life after high school
guys! Be excited!). And you can still email me if you want.
It has been excellent interacting virtually with all of you, you've been super supportive and helpful.
All my love,
Momo
As promised, a dog:
http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/imagebuzz/terminal01/2011/10/18/13/disabled-doggie-loves-leaves-31871-1318958267-5.jpg
Hi!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Trying New Things
Hello gentle reader. It has been a while since I've been here. But instead of apologizing and giving you meaningless life updates, I'm going to get right to it.
I've started dating men. I have never felt 100% gay, and it started bugging me that I had not explored this portion of my sexuality. And lately I have been feeling much more attracted to masculinity. So here's a little field report I wrote last night of the last 2 first dates I went on.
Reflections on dating men: 8/2/2011, 1:18 a.m.
Date 1: 7/31/2011
The Magician, 21: Bisexual, gender-fluid, considering polyamory, in a performing arts school in LA, very spiritual. Likes sailing.
We seem to think in a similar way – we both want to explore our options. He’s completely ok with me not being very feminine. We got burritos and sat in the park by the water. We didn’t really click immediately and it took a bit of thinking to come up with intelligent interesting things to say. We talked about NLP, and relationships and polyamory and how we’d both be open to trying it. There’s this a good friend of his that he has been hooking up with and is considering making it more serious, and wants me to meet her and consider making it a poly relationship. It’s something I’d have to approach slowly. It got a lot easier to talk as the night went on. At some point they started playing UP on a projector so we watched it and cuddled a little. Afterwards we walked around on the docks a little and it was super romantic and could have been the perfect first kiss but he didn’t try anything, and I didn’t try anything. He’s so cute and I would totally want to be friends with benefits, but I don’t know if I would be ok in a relationship with him. I didn’t really feel like I was being myself. I can’t really pin it down, but something just didn’t quite feel right.
Date 2: 8/1/2011
The UI guy, 20, will be 21 tomorrow: Bisexual, gentlemanly, very teddy-bear like. Fantastic beard. Starting college next semester after a year of working at the Apple store and taking classes part-time. Has a great vocabulary, and never hesitates to use it.
One of the most entertaining and hysterical people I have spoken to. He was happy to show me around and point out interesting things and teach me stuff about psychology things and graphics things and sushi things and all the stuff that he knows lots about. Which is good. We ate sushi and I made faces when I put too much wasabi on mine. And he ate one to check if it was real crab, to make sure that I could eat it. We were all banter-y. It was fun. We talked about dildos without it being awkward. He bought me ice cream after the sushi, and one of his friends works at J.P. Licks apparently. I felt like a bad date for thinking that she was super sexy. We went up to this park with an awesome view of the sparkly lights of Boston, and there were a bunch of bats, and we talked about evolution. He told me he liked short hair on women (I have just recently buzzed mine) and often liked the demeanor that went with it. I wasn’t all that attracted to him physically, unfortunately. I definitely want to continue dating him and see where it goes. I could actually see a relationship growing out of this one… with a lot of growing though, which probably won’t happen since he will be somewhat far away for school.
Notes:
Neither of them paid for my food. Well, teddy bear guy paid for my ice cream. Neither of them tried to kiss me, but my fav straight-guy friend said guys usually wait for girls to show very obvious advancements so as not to be pushy/predatory. Which I have actually experienced as a somewhat masculine lesbian, so that makes sense. I'm pretty sure magician guy wanted to.
My best friend once told me about in her UU sex ed they had a LGBT panel, and there was this one guy who said his “sexual orientation” was bisexual, but he chose to be gay. I said mine was not a “choice”, but she continued to say that his was not a conscious choice, and that he was molested by a woman when he was young, so he just had intimacy issues with women, and didn’t choose to be gay as much as choose to not try to get over those issues. I have a feeling that’s what’s happening for me, just to a much less extreme extent. I don’t know if it would be worth it to get over those feelings, because I feel like I would be happier with a woman long-term anyway.
I don’t know if the mild discomfort I am feeling in general is an artifact of dating in general, or if it is amplified because I am dating men. I have to do some introspective evaluation before things get serious in any way.
Part of me wants to just give up with this exploration, and go back to the softness and familiarity of women. But I want to be the little spoon more than once in my life goddammit! Even that trans dude that I thought I might be interested in told me I was so much better at being the big spoon than he was, so I should just stick with that. Derp.
So yep. I've had some adventures. I also have a lot of thinking to do as things continue. I don't know if I'm going to go on more 1st dates.
Also, here is an Autostraddle article that I really identified with. It represents a little of what scared me as I was going into dates. Would the guys be ok with my little bit of genderqueerness? It seems they were.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Blog-a-versary!
Today is exactly one year after my very first blog post. Weird!
That seems like so long ago. Since then I have (mostly in chronological order):
1. Met other gay people
2. Sprained my ankle and went to the hospital without parents
3. Been out to the general college public
4. Dated girls!
5. Seen Titanic
6. Cut off all my hair
7. Sexytimes (bow chicka wow wow)
8. Danced in a Flash Mob!
9. Drove in a Westfalia (kinda like the Little Miss Sunshine bus)
10. Got a C in a class
And a lot of other things that had too ineffable an effect on me. Lots of life experiences, whether or not they were Earth-shattering at the time.
There was a month or so last summer when this was the only link I had to the queer community. There were times when a comment from someone cool would make my day worthwhile. But things have changed drastically since high school. In a good way of course. I've learned a ton. About pretty much everything. How to play rugby, how to do scary math, how to knit, how to kiss well. About what I prefer in a potential romantic interest.
Anyway, happy birthday blog!
That seems like so long ago. Since then I have (mostly in chronological order):
1. Met other gay people
2. Sprained my ankle and went to the hospital without parents
3. Been out to the general college public
4. Dated girls!
5. Seen Titanic
6. Cut off all my hair
7. Sexytimes (bow chicka wow wow)
8. Danced in a Flash Mob!
9. Drove in a Westfalia (kinda like the Little Miss Sunshine bus)
10. Got a C in a class
And a lot of other things that had too ineffable an effect on me. Lots of life experiences, whether or not they were Earth-shattering at the time.
There was a month or so last summer when this was the only link I had to the queer community. There were times when a comment from someone cool would make my day worthwhile. But things have changed drastically since high school. In a good way of course. I've learned a ton. About pretty much everything. How to play rugby, how to do scary math, how to knit, how to kiss well. About what I prefer in a potential romantic interest.
Anyway, happy birthday blog!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Gay-Gay for Gaga
I have been at home in my suburban town for about 2 weeks now, and have only seen 3 friends. I spend most of my time watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, running, and knitting. I am terrible at knitting, but I am attempting to make a slouchy hat. I found this pattern, but there were too many words that I didn't understand, so I have reverted to making shit up, which has worked well in the past with K'nex.
A lot of my time has also been occupied by Lady Gaga. I am reading this book about her rise to fame called Poker Face by Maureen Callahan, which was written before she got gutsy about her art with her second album. I'm not such a huge fan of the light it puts Gaga in, but it's quite informative. Also, yesterday I read the Rolling Stone cover story about her, and found that to be much more revealing. And obviously I have been listening to Born This Way (the album) nonstop. Did I mention that I am a superfan? Most of this obsession makes me feel like a teenager (oh wait, I am a teenager) who is just following the tide of pop culture, but I really do admire her.
I actually spent a large sum of money to see her live this spring (I generally won't go to a concert if the tickets cost more than $30). I bought the tickets in October, with a group of totally random people who I happened to become decently close with by the time the show rolled around in March. One of those people included my girlfriend at the time. We didn't even know the other was going until a couple days before the concert. Serendipitous.
It was a wonderful spectacle. There was so much energy - 20,000 people in this arena, screaming. There was crazy dancing and singing until your throat hurt. And unabashed admiration for this one woman who had a mystical power over the whole spectacle. There was one moment where she paused, striking a pose with her chin up and her arms thrown back, and I just thought "Damn, it's amazing how in-control she is for one tiny person."
I seem to be getting carried away. Well, she played You and I stripped down to just piano, which hadn't been released at the time, and everyone sat down to breathe a little. My girlfriend put her arm around me and I leaned onto her shoulder, and it was adorable. And now every time I hear that song I think of that moment. Not in a painful nostalgic way, but in an appreciative way. Which I am very happy about, because I was a little bit bitter about that whole relationship for a while. But just because it ended doesn't mean it wasn't great and worth looking back on with a smile. Isn't that what dating at my age is for? Having an awesome time?
Mind-blowing discovery: You know how she says "let's go see the Killers and make out in the bleachers" in her song Boys Boys Boys? She is referring to a date she went on in 2007 with her on-and-off boyfriend to a Killers concert where they had terrible seats, and as it turns out, I was at the same concert!! *Swoon*
A lot of my time has also been occupied by Lady Gaga. I am reading this book about her rise to fame called Poker Face by Maureen Callahan, which was written before she got gutsy about her art with her second album. I'm not such a huge fan of the light it puts Gaga in, but it's quite informative. Also, yesterday I read the Rolling Stone cover story about her, and found that to be much more revealing. And obviously I have been listening to Born This Way (the album) nonstop. Did I mention that I am a superfan? Most of this obsession makes me feel like a teenager (oh wait, I am a teenager) who is just following the tide of pop culture, but I really do admire her.
I actually spent a large sum of money to see her live this spring (I generally won't go to a concert if the tickets cost more than $30). I bought the tickets in October, with a group of totally random people who I happened to become decently close with by the time the show rolled around in March. One of those people included my girlfriend at the time. We didn't even know the other was going until a couple days before the concert. Serendipitous.
It was a wonderful spectacle. There was so much energy - 20,000 people in this arena, screaming. There was crazy dancing and singing until your throat hurt. And unabashed admiration for this one woman who had a mystical power over the whole spectacle. There was one moment where she paused, striking a pose with her chin up and her arms thrown back, and I just thought "Damn, it's amazing how in-control she is for one tiny person."
I seem to be getting carried away. Well, she played You and I stripped down to just piano, which hadn't been released at the time, and everyone sat down to breathe a little. My girlfriend put her arm around me and I leaned onto her shoulder, and it was adorable. And now every time I hear that song I think of that moment. Not in a painful nostalgic way, but in an appreciative way. Which I am very happy about, because I was a little bit bitter about that whole relationship for a while. But just because it ended doesn't mean it wasn't great and worth looking back on with a smile. Isn't that what dating at my age is for? Having an awesome time?
Mind-blowing discovery: You know how she says "let's go see the Killers and make out in the bleachers" in her song Boys Boys Boys? She is referring to a date she went on in 2007 with her on-and-off boyfriend to a Killers concert where they had terrible seats, and as it turns out, I was at the same concert!! *Swoon*
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Confusion
I think I was mistaken for a boy today. I was seeing a movie with my dad and my brother, and the woman we bought the tickets from asked my dad "How old is he?" and I'm pretty sure she pointed towards me. I was wearing an oversized sweatshirt. Also I generally look younger than I am, whereas my brother looks older than he is (he's 17).
I didn't really know what to do. My dad seemed to notice, and said "we've got 17 and 18". Well handled, Dad.
But now I'm curious about how butches or bois handle themselves in those situations. It's probably a matter of personal preference.
I didn't really know what to do. My dad seemed to notice, and said "we've got 17 and 18". Well handled, Dad.
But now I'm curious about how butches or bois handle themselves in those situations. It's probably a matter of personal preference.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Packing up
It's a pretty strange thing to sort through all of your possessions and squish them all into boxes and bags. Part of me is amazed at how little I live with. 4 storage bins, one rather large suitcase, and assorted backpacks. I don't consider myself to "live lightly", yet that seems like a very small amount of space. But then again it bothers me that I am dependent on all these things. I wish I could just get up and go anywhere without worrying about what I'm wearing or if I'm going to have clean silverware. The girl that I'm having this little pre-graduation fling with is going backpacking around Europe starting next week, and is going to live out of one backpack for an entire month. That's some serious freedom.
I feel childish for having all these existential moments of nostalgia as I'm finishing my first year of college. I'll be back in a couple of weeks - I'm working on campus this summer. But it's scary to know that there are people that I will never see again. I have a few senior friends from the rugby team (oh, did I tell you guys that I played rugby this semester? Yup, I'm the hugest dyke ever) and a few others just from having interesting conversations in the dining hall. They are moving on to jobs that they will probably have for the REST OF THEIR LIVES. You're probably saying "Nah, most people change jobs at some point", but my school doesn't produce average college grads, and why would you want to stop working for Google or Microsoft or Tesla (not joking)?
I've been trying very hard to take advantage of these unscheduled couple of days. There have been Disney movie marathons, Glee-watching and cuddling sessions with that sexy senior, exploring in the nearby woodland area, and tonight there will be skinny dipping.
But right now I am sitting here on my roomie's desk and wondering why it's so hard to throw away my favorite project from first semester. We made this awesome elephant toy that has remote-controlled head movement and squirts water. It's the project that I bring up in interviews when they ask me about the project that I am most proud of. Gah, I don't know if I'm going to be able to get rid of it. Just like my elephant, I don't want to let go of being a freshman, and feeling new. I'm going to be expected to know what's going on next year. I have to get better grades next year. I have to have a legitimate summer internship next year. That's scary.
But I'm going to try to ignore that for the remaining days and bask in the laziness of post-finals. Spend as much time as possible making out.
I feel childish for having all these existential moments of nostalgia as I'm finishing my first year of college. I'll be back in a couple of weeks - I'm working on campus this summer. But it's scary to know that there are people that I will never see again. I have a few senior friends from the rugby team (oh, did I tell you guys that I played rugby this semester? Yup, I'm the hugest dyke ever) and a few others just from having interesting conversations in the dining hall. They are moving on to jobs that they will probably have for the REST OF THEIR LIVES. You're probably saying "Nah, most people change jobs at some point", but my school doesn't produce average college grads, and why would you want to stop working for Google or Microsoft or Tesla (not joking)?
I've been trying very hard to take advantage of these unscheduled couple of days. There have been Disney movie marathons, Glee-watching and cuddling sessions with that sexy senior, exploring in the nearby woodland area, and tonight there will be skinny dipping.
But right now I am sitting here on my roomie's desk and wondering why it's so hard to throw away my favorite project from first semester. We made this awesome elephant toy that has remote-controlled head movement and squirts water. It's the project that I bring up in interviews when they ask me about the project that I am most proud of. Gah, I don't know if I'm going to be able to get rid of it. Just like my elephant, I don't want to let go of being a freshman, and feeling new. I'm going to be expected to know what's going on next year. I have to get better grades next year. I have to have a legitimate summer internship next year. That's scary.
But I'm going to try to ignore that for the remaining days and bask in the laziness of post-finals. Spend as much time as possible making out.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Some strange things happened last night at the last party of the semester, so as I sit at my desk waiting for the dining hall to open so I can have my weekly hangover waffle, I figured I would ask you guys something:
Have you ever hooked up with a straight girl? Because I think I did. (By that I mean I think the girl I made out with last night is straight - I am unsure of her identity, not of whether or not it happened haha) She's in an open relationship with a dude. She has never associated with the group of gay kids. When a group of the gay kids try to name all of the queer people in our tiny school where everyone knows everything about everyone, she has never been mentioned. She could just be bicurious - and that would be totally fine. I guess straight would be fine too. It's just a word ... sexualities are really "best-fit" curves for attraction scatter plots.
I mean, she was making most of the advancements (It might be hard to believe, but I'm rather shy) so I probably shouldn't be worried about being labeled as the predatory gay.
I guess this is more a rant about the dangers of being a let's call it "romantically adventurous" gay gal. I know when a straight couple hook up and it goes badly, I almost immediately blame the guy. (But I am sexist, and I know it and try very had to make up for it.) But I seem to be in the blame-able position a lot lately.
Hopefully this situation will not have any annoying backlash like the last one did.
Somewhat unrelated: I'm running out of my usual never-have-I-ever claims. There goes "never have I ever kissed anyone taller than me." My most recent girlfriend ruined "never have I ever been with a white person"
Have you ever hooked up with a straight girl? Because I think I did. (By that I mean I think the girl I made out with last night is straight - I am unsure of her identity, not of whether or not it happened haha) She's in an open relationship with a dude. She has never associated with the group of gay kids. When a group of the gay kids try to name all of the queer people in our tiny school where everyone knows everything about everyone, she has never been mentioned. She could just be bicurious - and that would be totally fine. I guess straight would be fine too. It's just a word ... sexualities are really "best-fit" curves for attraction scatter plots.
I mean, she was making most of the advancements (It might be hard to believe, but I'm rather shy) so I probably shouldn't be worried about being labeled as the predatory gay.
I guess this is more a rant about the dangers of being a let's call it "romantically adventurous" gay gal. I know when a straight couple hook up and it goes badly, I almost immediately blame the guy. (But I am sexist, and I know it and try very had to make up for it.) But I seem to be in the blame-able position a lot lately.
Hopefully this situation will not have any annoying backlash like the last one did.
Somewhat unrelated: I'm running out of my usual never-have-I-ever claims. There goes "never have I ever kissed anyone taller than me." My most recent girlfriend ruined "never have I ever been with a white person"
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